A Trip?

Another title for this bit might have been "Don't Let Anything but Fear Stop You."

I'm in an interesting place. Mot good, just interesting. I've been taking care of business and being a bit careless of myself. I've been watching the 'news' and have perhaps been attending to the foibles of my fellows to the neglect of my own.

In the past I haven't always had an attractive project in mind and I don't now. Often, in the past, I have had the joy of spontaneously following my bliss without a plan. In the past I have known that I could persist through difficult circumstances to peak experience that made my efforts more than worthwhile.

The not good, just interesting, place in which I find myself at the moment is, in part, the following: I fear that I have so neglected my spontaneity that I have put it in a coma rather than just put it to sleep. Neglect your true pleasures and they may leave you. These things can happen very fast when one gets to a certain age. Speaking of age, I am nearly 72, on a tiny retirement income, and with a body that is weaker than it has been in many decades.

I'm not often such as cry-baby. However, I do find not knowing what to do to energize myself with the prospect of pleasant adventure, to lighten my heart, to generate a good laugh, a bit frightening.

In the past I have had in mind a kind of experience that I desired and have set out to have it. In setting out, I knew that I was, or would prepared to be diverted to other adventures along the way. Right now, I fear that I have damaged my capacity for joy. Joy is not an energy to be neglected.

Let me consider my resources: my bank roll is low; the war-chest is nearly empty; still my passport is valid, and my '97 van is running, and I'm alive. Maybe if i fill up the tank and put my passport in my pocket I will again feel that remembered stirring in my heart.